Q&A: Your Opinins on my poem. 10 points?
Question by anonymous: Your Opinins on my poem. 10 points?
it doesnt have to rhyme. its free verse. theme:being proud of who you are. its for school
If You Know
I come from that quiet town, in front of that baseball field.
But if you know me that well, you would know.
That im from the city with the boisterous el trains that occasionally pass by too.
I come from the most worrisome Mother, and the most strict Father.
But if you know me that well, you would know. That through their never ending quarrels from the past, I know all they want for me is happiness.
I’ve seen the look on your face when you see the way I treat my siblings and parents. In such rotten manners and the vulgar attitude.
But if you know me that well, you would know. That I just don’t have that audacity to treat them the way I really feel.
I am a tad bit feisty, with one horrible temper, with the least bit patience.
But if you know me that well, you would know. That I am the most sporadic person you’d ever possibly find . And I am much more sincere, you see.
I’ve seen you nod in dismay, by the mishaps that occur in my life.
But if you know me that well, you would know.
That I proudly smile at these mishaps.
I’ve seen you laugh, thinking I’d never learn from my mishaps.
But if you know me that well, you would know.
That for me, it takes exactly twice to learn my lessons.
You might know, that I have three dogs and much much more.
But if you know me that well, you would know.
That my dogs are not dogs, but rather sisters and brothers that I call family.
You might expect me to know nothing of my future, thinking I am always living in the present.
Thinking I probably might not be giving the slightest care in the world.
But if you know me that well, you would know.
That I’ve been secretly planning the rest of my life all along.
You see, If you really knew me, I think you’d feel a bit sorry.
For thinking the thoughts you might have thought.
Now Each day, ill be living my life as I plan.
So I will continue to cease until death, just like Walt Whitman said he would
Best answer:
Answer by SodaPop
That’s actually really good. Very well done!
Mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjAhfoHAmVusmCuHoPLRN3qn5HNG;_ylv=3?qid=20100505143828AAYWCZK
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Well done, good job, I love this too “You might expect me to know nothing of my future, thinking I am always living in the present.
Thinking I probably might not be giving the slightest care in the world.
But if you know me that well, you would know.
That I’ve been secretly planning the rest of my life all along.”
Answer mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqAeOCJ7Y6dRt51aaw4j16Lsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100505134923AA2yH9f
It’s a very beautiful poem. I like the repetition of the line “But if you know me that well, you would know”. Your writing really allows the reader to relate, which is exceptional! Everyone judges other people, and makes assumptions. I feel like this poem could be about anyone I know…but don’t REALLY know. It makes me think.
I absolutely LOVE this line: “That for me, it takes exactly twice to learn my lessons”
It’s an excellent way of giving insight to your character without just flat out saying it. It gives the poem a fun quality, and it made me smile.
I’m not fond of the first two stanzas. They seem a bit stiff to me. The second one in particular. It’s more about your parents than about you, so I would recommend either revising it, or cutting it altogether. It weakens the purpose of the poem: being proud of who YOU are.
Also, I would find a different word for “mishaps” in the 6th stanza. Maybe use the word “mistakes” instead? It just seems a tad TOO repetative considering the stanza before was about mishaps.
“You might know, that I have three dogs and much much more”
…much much more WHAT? Pets? Dogs? Cats? Sandwiches? Green socks? I don’t like the way that line ends. Feels like something is missing.
Don’t mess with this line!! “That my dogs are not dogs, but rather sisters and brothers that I call family.” Seriously made me bubble with joy and say “awwwww”!!
Overall, I think your poem started a bit weak but it got progressively stronger and stronger AND STRONGER! And as I got closer and closer to the end I couldn’t wait to see how you tied it all together. Then BAMMMM…dissappointment. The very last line is not what I had hoped for. Did you mean, “I will continue AND WON’T cease until death”? But then again, I am unfamiliar with Walt Whitman…so I might be missing something altogether. If it’s just my ignorance, and the last line makes sense to you, keep it way it is. But if it were up to me, I’d cut the last line, and just end it with “Now each day, i’ll be living my life as I plan”. It’s a powerful statement. It says “I’m totally in control of my life, and I am who i am, whether you see it or not!” And I think that seriously gets at the heart of the poem…being proud of who you are.
It has got a good rhythm…I like it